xec8 and corellion: The Interview.

[B]So, you're back. While you you were gone, how often were you tempted to log in and post? Did you visit as a guest? How many times did you touch yourself? How do you feel about Nate Parker's disappearance?[/B]

Yes, I'm back. I was tempted to visit and log in every time the address bar in firefox scrolled down and I caught the URL hovering around the top of the list. I didn't though, I remained steadfast right up until Frank (Smartazboy) sent me an e-mail regarding the anthology. Then my curiousity caught the best of me and I came for a quick visit, logged in.

I've no idea how many times I touched myself in the cult's absence from my life. If we're talking cursory scalp scratches, tonguing teeth and knuckle clenches then no doubt the number is in the thousands. If we're talking about masturbation, then maybe three times.

Nate. Nate needed to leave. No doubt he's got stuff to do. He's an able guy, smart, funny. He wasted too much of his time on this forum. I wish him all the best, wherever he is.

[B]Everyone has insecurities. I'm afraid of myself sometimes, like when I realize I've just spent twenty minutes coming up with things I should have said in an argument with someone. Sometimes I even try to remember those things and I try to find a good context in which to say them in the next conversation I have with that person. Are you like this? What don't you like about yourself? Has anyone ever hurt your feelings by telling you things about yourself that you didn't want to hear?[/B]

No. I have conversations though. In my head. Often questioning myself. Most often I'll be bleary-eyed, just woken up, empty house, pouring a cup of coffee with a cigarette and I'll be drunk and being interviewed by Jonathan Ross for being a fantastic novelist, or director, or some other such profession that Jonathan Ross would never bother interviewing. And yeah, I know, drunk - how immature.

There are plenty of things I don't like about myself. I lie pointlessly and pathologically when drunk, for drama's sake. I'm rarely offended by anyone because I don't give a shit about most people. We're still on what I don't like about myself. I don't like not being a social person. I don't like how I find it much easier to talk about myself on the internet than I would mano ay mano, as everyone's favourite narcotic's dealing cuban would say. I don't like my lack of motivation for the majority of time. I'm a self-doubting person, lying down for ten minutes and wondering why on earth I think I'm going to manage to write a good story is a common occurance. I'm in two minds about that though.

As for stuff that's hurt my feelings. Erm, not really. Not that I can think of. People don't often insult me. A girl told me I snored terribly once. It was the worst thing she'd ever heard. That might have annoyed me. Actually, whilst typing that sentence I remembered something that someone did say once, but it's touchy to go into, so I won't. But I'm not going to lie.

[B]Describe what you felt the first time you wondered if you were ugly. How would you change your face if you had to make at least one modification?[/B]

I've no idea what I felt the first time I wondered if I was ugly. I was probably five. Maybe younger. I think those type of thoughts are ego-based lashes. Self-harming of a different kind. Mostly I'm not too big-headed about my looks. If I was cute, I could live with it. If I was freaky looking and ugly, well, those odd-looking guys are often the best looking protagonists. Missing kidneys, extra fingers, shit, having a deformed face seems like light punishment for being the leading man.

[B]Why do you spend so much time at the Cult? Have you ever found yourself saying things to people that you first heard people saying here?[/B]

Why, well, I've nothing else to do. I spend maybe four hours a day on this site. Maybe six online. This is mostly to do with the lack of a life through my oft-told College Year story. And no, I've never found myself repeating something someone else has said here. Except Nightrious. Fiend has entered my vocabulary, and with it, my heart.

[B]If you could add three features to this site, what would they be?[/B]

No idea.

[B]How frequently do you shower, shave, shit, brush your teeth, yell at your mother and accidentally piss on the seat?[/B]

I haven't showered in just under a year. We only have a bath. I shave every day. Shit every day. Two or three times. Brush every day. Once or twice. Yell at my mother once a week probably. Most of the time it's curt nods and a refusal to acknowledge the other's existence beyond the extra place at the table and dish to wash up. I'm a cunt for pissing on the seat. Sometimes I just piss in the sink, because it's easier.

[B]What is wrong with people? First, tell us about the people with whom you live. Second, the people with whom you hang out, if you do hang out. Third, the people on the Cult. Finally, people in power. What is wrong with all these people?[/B]

They're not me is what's wrong with all of them.

[B]Do you have a good side? When was the last time you did something kind and nobody noticed?[/B]
Yeah. I think I'm mostly good side. The last time I did something kind was probably keeping my tongue in my mouth and not calling out my mother on a amateur mistake she made.

[B]Deep inside you, buried under the misanthropy and unrelenting cynicism, is there a romantic little boy? Do you ever meet someone and actually smile to yourself, thinking, "Oh my God, she's fucking awesome," or is there no room for love in your life?[/B]

There is no romantic little boy, only blackness, despair and Jazz. Other than that though, to an extent, yeah. The second question though - no. I'd like to have that though. Find a girl who I think is awesome.

[B]Make fun of my name (Phil), my beard, my worldview and my music.[/B]

I'm not a peforming monkey.

[B]When was the last time you cried? How long did it last? Who was there?[/B]

The last time I cried, like, proper? I've no idea. The last time I bawled I was fourteen. I was at a friend's party. I was crying over an ex-girlfriend and trying to kiss another girl at the same time. Looking back it was the worst tactic for getting with someone since the playground punch, but that's teenage hormones for you. It lasted maybe a good ten minutes. Too many people were there. I feel dirty just reciting that. Erm, in my defense alcohol was involved.

[B]Can you tell us, in one paragraph, what kind of woman you'd like to marry, and why?[/B]

I don't think I can. I mean, I've no plans to get married. I know what kind of woman I'd like to sort of get in a relationship with. Someone like me, I guess. She would have her interests. I'd have mine. We'd come together over out mutual hatred for the world, and for each other. Actually, you know Jordan from Scrubs, Dr. Cox's wife? Her. She's the one.

[B]What was the most humiliating moment of your social life? How did you cope with it? Did people let you forget about it or did they give you hell?[/B]

I don't much get humiliated. I've done stupid stuff, but my bad memories aren't much to do with my social life. This is to do with arrogance. I genuinely, and I don't want to be like this, but I genuinely couldn't give a fuck if someone doesn't like me. I've been a tit plenty of times, but I don't think anything was truly humiliating.

[B]Time for some happy talk. What's the thing you're most proud of having done? How long ago was this? How did it influence the way you see yourself today?[/B]

No idea. Not too proud of anything I've done. I'm proud of things I'm doing. I'm proud of being a cunty little social-goof.

[B]What's your favourite joke?[/B]

It changes day to day. I saw the Oliver Parker version of Oscar Wilde's The Importance of Being Earnest. That play is filled with dark little witty sayings. I've always kept my favourite piece of writing to myself, and in writing it was my attempt at writing something Wilde. Top five "jokes" anyway:
[LIST=1]
[*]I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.
[*]The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what Fiction means.
[*]Never speak disrespectfully of Society, Algernon. Only people who can’t get into it do that.
[*]The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to her if she is pretty and to someone else if she is plain.
[*]If I am occasionally a little over-dressed, I make up for it by being immensely over-educated.
[/LIST]

[B]Back to gloomy. Have you ever lost a pet or a friend? Did this affect you badly?[/B]

I don't think so. I've only had two pets really. Goldfish. They died after a week and my mum flushed them down the toilet. I've had relatives die and lost friends in a physical sense, but I'm not that closed-eyed to know I'm going to be the only constant companion of myself throughout my life. And I must say, there's no-one I'd rather travel with.

[B]What kind of honest advice would you give a girl who felt insecure, unloved and ugly? Let's say she's been craving love from someone. She constantly fears that she's too fat. She has a lot of trouble trusting people.[/B]

Tough one. I'd tell her to chin up. If she was genuinely overweight, I'd tell her it was nothing serious and if losing weight would heighten her self-esteem then the best thing to do would be go for a brisk hour walk every day and to avoid over-eating. Maybe take a diet. I'd tell her beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and point it out to her too. Different things make people ugly, and nothing is more beautiful than quiet confidence. I'd tell her we all crave something, love maybe if that's what she wants to hear. I'd try and tell her that everything in his power, that there's nothing anyone cant do, but that it all comes down to commitment. It's not easy, but it's not meant to be easy. Whether it's marrying Brad Pitt or losing a couple of stone, if she puts the effort in along with some rational thought then she'll get it.

[B]Can you cook? What do you love to eat? Do you hate sushi?[/B]

I do not hate sushi. I've never eaten it though, and I don't intend to. I'm not too good around fish. I'm more a lamb and potato kind of eater. I can cook, as far as turning on the oven goes and maybe some rudimentary spice-adding. But no, not in the sense of a proper Chef kind of thing. I love to eat shite really. I'm a fiend for shite. I like black coffee and a full Irish breakfast. I'm not too good at eating eggs. I don't get to eat enough actually. I don't mean I'm skinny, just that, you know, I'd totally be a waddling obese man if it meant I got to eat all the time. You're making me hungry now. Most of the time my mum cooks odd meals. Nothing that traditionally goes together, just anything to get our protein and starch. By myself it's usually whatever's in the freezer. I don't know how to cook proper stuff really, so it's usually rice, pasta with pre-made sauce and any kind of meat I can find.

[B]When was the last time you actually hung out with several people at the same time? How did it go? What do people think of you? Are you considered funny, bitter, annoying...?[/B]

Erm, dunno. Hung out? A poker game a week or so ago. I was the first out. We watched Pulp Fiction and then Hot Fuzz, I didn't handle my drink well. I've no idea what people think of me. I'd assume not a complete cunt, but as I've said, I'm mostly interested in myself. I don't talk about myself, hopefully. But I dunno how I'm considered.

[B]Why did you start smoking? Will you ever quit?[/B]

I think I told this story before. Initially it was a you know, stepping into adolescent interest in drugs, and the most readily available body-altering substances were mum's fags and nanny's booze. I didn't start buying cigarettes and smoking regularly until I was fifteen. I don't know if I'll ever quit. I've considered it, but I just enjoy smoking. There's just something cool about blowing smoke out of your mouth. It's like a social club, you know. You're at a bar and people go outside for a smoke, because they can't smoke indoors anymore, and the majority of people you meet whilst out drinking will be the people outside smoking. Not to mention it's sort of an excuse to talk to someone, "Have you got a light?" doing two things at once, initiating conversation and introducing the common-ground of smoking. I don't know about quitting though. I don't think I will unless money is tight. I'm not figuring to live past fifty. I'm not going to wait until I'm 34 and divorced with two kids before I decide my life's ambitions and aims. I know what I want to do, and I'm working on doing it now.