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Actual conversations...
Family, friends, strangers, the town drunk, co-workers, etc. A thread for ALL actual conversations.
I actually haven't conversed with much of anybody today, I just always felt this thread needed to be made and wanted to get it out of the way while it was fresh in my mind.
Phil: All right, well, take care.
Amelie: I miss you.
Phil: Miss you too.
Amelie: Don't go yet.
Phil: Look, this is the, what, fourth time I try to hang up.
Amelie. All right. Bye.
Phil: Bye.
Amelie: Wait.
"Time heals all wounds" becomes "The nonspatial continuum in which events occur in apparently irreversible succession from the past to the future will restore a person to physical and spiritual wholeness."
Yes, it was.
"Time heals all wounds" becomes "The nonspatial continuum in which events occur in apparently irreversible succession from the past to the future will restore a person to physical and spiritual wholeness."
Me: Look, I'm going to take a second shift job to still be able to help out some, but I'll have to have some time to get some sleep, ok?
Mom: Alright, but can you still take me into work at 7?
Me: groan. Ok
My younger brother, pokes head into room: Hey, will you still be able to take me in at 3am?
Me: FUCK!
muss es sein? es muss sein!
Stripper: Whatta you got?
Casey, handing her three books of cd's: Can I interest you in some neutral milk hotel?
Stripper: Neuter what? What is all this shit?
Casey: Good music.
Stripper: I've never heard of any of these. You got any R&B?
Casey, hiding the Ginuwine: Uh, how 'bout some Massive Attack? Maybe I can interest you in some Lovage? Love that lovage, baby.
Stripper: Maybe you should get some Music that I like.
Casey: Maybe you should eat up a bowl of dick.
Stripper: Whatta you got?
Casey, handing her three books of cd's: Can I interest you in some neutral milk hotel?
Stripper: Neuter what? What is all this shit?
Casey: Good music.
Stripper: I've never heard of any of these. You got any R&B?
Casey, hiding the Ginuwine: Uh, how 'bout some Massive Attack? Maybe I can interest you in some Lovage? Love that lovage, baby.
Stripper: Maybe you should get some Music that I like.
Casey: Maybe you should eat up a bowl of dick.
HaHa! You own a Ginuwine Cd !
muss es sein? es muss sein!
That reminds me of a conversation from the only time I went to a strip club:
Stripper: Hi.
Phil: Hello.
Stripper: How you are?
Phil: You sound Russian.
Stripper: I am Ukrainian.
Phil: Ah. Paka. Cagdilla?
Stripper: Haracho.
Phil: Gdie maya sabaka? Ya nye znayou.
Stripper: You speak Russian very good.
Phil: Thank you. Can I help you?
Stripper: I can help you.
Phil: I see.
Stripper: You buy me champagne?
Phil: I'd rather buy you a beer.
Stripper: No, you think I'm pretty?
Phil: I suppose.
Stripper: Then you buy me champagne, okay? We have fun.
Phil: Look, all I can afford is a beer. And I don't want to buy someone else a beer, because frankly you're making me want to drink. If I buy you champagne, which, remember, I cannot afford, then I suppose the next step will be you taking me by the hand and leading me to a private booth, where you will "entertain" me.
Stripper: So?
Phil: I don't want to be entertained right now. And I can't afford champagne. That stuff is 300 $. I have about 7 $. And, come on, I know we're the only customers here, but you don't need to try this every chance you get, right?
Stripper: So you no buy me champagne?
Phil: Nope, I will not buy you champagne. This date isn't going very well, is it.
Stripper: What? You speak too fastly.
Phil: Okay, look. No champagne, no sex, no conversation, okay? Let me be that grumpy customer you're expected to avoid. Anyways, you could buy me some champagne, since you're so eager to have a few sips.
Stripper: I don't want so much champagne.
Phil: Then you see where I'm coming from.
This is a pretty accurate transcription.
"Time heals all wounds" becomes "The nonspatial continuum in which events occur in apparently irreversible succession from the past to the future will restore a person to physical and spiritual wholeness."
and that stripper story reminds me of one I had awhile back...
This took place in a little strip club in Kentucky. I think it was called The Brass Ass. If you ever get a chance to go there, don't go there.
Stripper, missing two front teeth sits down at our table : Need a drink?
Me: sure, I'll have a Bass
Stripper goes and comes back with two beers: Here you go thats $___
Me: Why'd you bring two? I only wanted one?
Shifty Owner walks over and explains: When one of the girls sits with you, you need to buy them a drink also. It's the Gentlemanly way after all.
Me, speechless looks at toothless stripper: Uh look, here's the money for my drink but i think we're going now
Stripper: You don't want to have a drink with me?
Me: No, that's alright
Buddies I'm with: :giggle giggle giggle:
muss es sein? es muss sein!
I got invited to these chicks' house at around 3am after partying all night two night ago. I came in and proceeded directly to the fridge. I was hammered.
ME: You got anything to eat?
CHICK: Do you always go through people's fridge when you first meet them?
ME: Yes. It says alot about their character. What's in the to-go box? (pulls out the box)
CHICK: I don't know.
ME: (opening the box) There's like 4 french fries in here.
CHICK: And?
ME: And who requests a to-go box for 4 fucking french fries?
CHICK: There was a sandwich in there too, dumbass. I already ate it.
ME: And you put the box with 4 french fries back in the fridge? You were saving those for another meal?
CHICK: Get out.
The first time I was called "cool" by the cool kids in high school sticks in my mind because it was so contrived that it couldn't possibly work... right?
Phil: Hello.
Group of Random Girls in Restaurant: Hi.
Phil: Okay, look. Those guys over there have just dared me to come talk to you.
Girls: Oh. Giggle-giggle.
Phil: Let's make this short. When I say "monkey" I need you to laugh in unison. Okay? Make 'em think I'm being real funny. Ready... filler-filler bla bla bla okay. Monkey.
Girls: Giggle-giggle.
Phil: Okay, they're looking over. I'm gonna say it again. Just laugh a little bit louder this time. Ready, set, monkey.
Girls: Hahahahahaha. He's funny.
Phil: Thank you. They're clearly impressed. Okay, I'm going to pull out my phone, and I want you to give me random numbers out loud, as if you're telling me your phone numbers. Monkey,
Girls: Hahaha. Seven! Three! Sixty-eight.
Girl: You can have my real number if you want.
Girl: And mine, too.
Girl: Here, give me your phone and I'll give you my number as well.
Phil: Oh.
Girl: What's your name?
(conversation ensues)
I think I realized then that life isn't quite so bad.
"Time heals all wounds" becomes "The nonspatial continuum in which events occur in apparently irreversible succession from the past to the future will restore a person to physical and spiritual wholeness."
Today in the grocery store:
Little Girl in Princess Costume: Shes wearing a PIRATE HAT!!!
Me: Arrr.
LGiPC: Whoosh!!!
Me: Arrr!!
LGiPC: Giggles almost unconrtollably
Me: Giggles almost unconrtollably
LGiPC: Okay bye. Mommy said get cookies.
Me: Kay bye.
LGiPC:Whoooooosh!
Me: Arrrgh!!
We both skip off in opposite directions.
Today in the grocery store:Little Girl in Princess Costume: Shes wearing a PIRATE HAT!!!
Me: Arrr.
LGiPC: Whoosh!!!
Me: Arrr!!
LGiPC: Giggles almost unconrtollably
Me: Giggles almost unconrtollably
LGiPC: Okay bye. Mommy said get cookies.
Me: Kay bye.
LGiPC:Whoooooosh!
Me: Arrrgh!!
We both skip off in opposite directions.
This really happens?
I have just finished presenting a collection of my undergrad work to the 3-professor committee who are deciding whether I will be admitted to the graduate program.
Professor #1: So, basically, your work is about color, gesture and movement with a strong emphasis on unconventional materials and the addition of found objects or collaged elements?
Me: Yes, essentially that is my project.
Professor #1: Is that it???
Me: Umm, yes. I believe that summarizes what I'm hoping to accomplish with my painting. Using the elements you discussed to, hopefully, create some sort of poetic resonance.
Professor #1 visibly grimaces.
Professor #2: So, Chris, you mentioned that you had studied with all of us in the past?
Me: (surprised) Yeah, I took classes with all 3 of you while I was working on my bachelor's degree.
Professor #2: (visibly surprised) What class did you take with me?
Me: Issues In Contemporary Art. 2 years ago. You and I discussed Philip Guston several times during conference. I really enjoyed the class.
Professor #2: Really??? I'm sorry. I can't remember you at all.
Professor #1: I've really gotta go to the bathroom. Can you guys handle this?
Professor #1 leaves.
Professor #3: So, Chris, are there any other facets of your work you feel are important for us to know?
Me: (surprised) Well, I believe all the topics I mentioned during my presentation present more than enough material for me to create successful and engaging work.
Proessor #3: Really??? Well, ok. Thanks for coming in.
Professor #2: And thanks for actually bringing your paintings in for us to see. Most people have just brought photographs of their work. (laughs)
Youve got to make yourself more available to the children.
Theyre much more pleasant when you make them laugh.
One time I was just walking down the street and there was this little boy (maybe 2 years old) running away from his parents and crying. He saw me, stopped in front of me and smiled. Stopped crying and just smiled. As soon as his parents got to him he started bawling again but thats beside the point.
Red Lobster Waitress: What's your name?
Ness: Ness.
Waitress: Nash?
Ness: No, NESS N-E-S-S!!
Waitress: Oh, I see. You're pretty cute. Would you like to come home with me?
[seven second pause]
Ness: Maybe when I'm older.
Little girls always seem to be nervous around me. Not in a creepy way or whatever. Not everytime but more so than not, kids come into my store and are very scared of me. I can only imagine what some who read this are thinking but it's not like that. I guess I may be imidating to kids. If I can get them to open up, ie. let them pet the live lobsters or show them some cool fish, etc. they love me but if I never get the opportunity to do that, they just make me feel like I'm scary or creepy or something.
Oh, I thought he was talking about you misspelling uncontrollably twice.
Fairly dyslexic.
Not fixing it.
And I remember when I was little that when I acted scared around an older person it was usually cause I thought he was handsome. Now, that might not be the case with you, shrimpn, but its just a thought.
Fairly dyslexic.
Not fixing it.And I remember when I was little that when I acted scared around an older person it was usually cause I thought he was handsome. Now, that might not be the case with you, shrimpn, but its just a thought.
That's usually what I take it as. I wasn't gonna say that on here, cause you know how some people are. But when the little girl runs and hides behind her mom who is eye-fucking you, it's pretty safe to say that it wasn't because you're scary in a physical way.
See, at least when I do that joke, I'm being ironic. It still isn't funny though. You spongmonkey.
It can be as funny as your heart will let it be.
Devouring mountains and shitting boulders since 1978.
He: So I just wanted to thank you for showing me how to use the internet
Me: Yeah... no prob, Bob. I mean OSullivan.
He: If it wasnt for you I wouldnt have gotten the juicer.
Me: No, you wouldve gotten it. Just wouldve taken longer. Where is the juicer, by the way?
He: The Jack laLane Juicer?
Me: The one you got today. Yeah.
He: Its in my car.
Me: Good place for it.
He: Well its where everything else is.
Me: Always thinkin ahead.
Me: Wanna fight?
Mom: But I dont have a sword.
Me: Its okay. You can use this stick.
Mom: But then it would be a stick fight.
Me: But I would have a stick too so it would be okay.
Mom: Those sticks are too big
Me: Well, we could use those canes near the fireplace
Mom: Megan, Im not fighting you.
Me: But you said before that you would
Mom: Im not fighting you.
Me: What if we use spaghetti?
Mom: No.
Me: OSullivan'll fight me.
Mom: Go ask. I need another cocktail.
Winter: I have a new boyfriend. He's sleeping over tonight. If he doesn't go to jail.
Kyle:"I smell like someone crapped in a sweaty vagina....that's called Space Docking, by the way."
Me: That's fucking disgusting and never mention it again, by the way.
Mike:"I hate Rockstar. It tastes like Girls Gone Wild."
Kyle:"Tastes like Space Docking!"
The outro to a cd someone mailed me:
TOBii. TObii. Uh, listen TOBII. *sings* Michael is tell me all about yoouuu.
Uh, he say you a very, VERY nice...girl...you have...feet, legs, heads, it's good, you like to eat...mushroom with cream sauce...you like...Mix CD, TOBII! Tobii! Tobii. TOBII. I like...I hope you like Mix CD MICHAEL made for you. He put lots of time and effort into make the mix cd for you, Tobii. Is, is with the great pleasure and steam, Tobii, I give Michael, who made mixed cds, the microphone. If you ever need me you know where to find me! You ever need a voiceover again, you ever do commercial for pizza place or something you know where to find me. In the United States!
this crackhead is always coming into our office and this is what happened once.
crackhead: can anyone spare me a pound for a coffee?
us: no, sorry....
crackhead: please, just for a coffee
repeat
repeat
repeat
my boss: you want a coffee? the kettle's just boiled - I'll make you one
(he hands over the coffee and ushers him outside)
crackhead: can you spare me a pound for some cake?
pure genius :)
I had this conversation a couple years ago and it has stuck with me for some reason.
I think because I was 24 and she was like 14; out of the blue she comes up and harasses me about my attire. Of course, now that I wear clothes that fit, it's kind of a moot point.
Random Girl: Why do you wear your pants like that?
Me: Like what?
R.Girl: With the cuffs rolled up at the bottom?
Me: Because if I don't, they drag on the ground and get torn up. I like these pants.
R.Girl: Well, that's not the style.
Me(dumbfounded): Well... I don't really care about the style.
R.Girl: tsk Obviously.
mom: *pointing at my bottle of water* you better put that in the fridge soon
me: why?
mom: otherwise, it'll go bad
me: ........................water doesn't go bad
mom: .......well..........it'll grow a bunch of bacteria and stuff
me: I don't think a closed bottle of water will grow a colony of deadly bacteria in a matter of hours
mom:.................
She didn't have anything to watch on TV, so she wouldn't stop bothering me
Girl: Is that your girlfriend?
Phil: Yes.
Girl: Break up with her.
Phil: Why?
Girl: You know why.
Phil: No, I do not know why.
Girl: You know why.
Phil: No, I do not fucking know why. Why should I break up with her?
Girl (walking away): Well, you had your chance.
"Time heals all wounds" becomes "The nonspatial continuum in which events occur in apparently irreversible succession from the past to the future will restore a person to physical and spiritual wholeness."
Girl: Is that your girlfriend?
Phil: Yes.
Girl: Break up with her.
Phil: Why?
Girl: You know why.
Phil: No, I do not know why.
Girl: You know why.
Phil: No, I do not fucking know why. Why should I break up with her?
Girl (walking away): Well, you had your chance.
WTF?
I'd like you to tell me that you are a false prophet and that God is a superstition.
WTF?
I know!
"Time heals all wounds" becomes "The nonspatial continuum in which events occur in apparently irreversible succession from the past to the future will restore a person to physical and spiritual wholeness."
Does it sound forced?
"Time heals all wounds" becomes "The nonspatial continuum in which events occur in apparently irreversible succession from the past to the future will restore a person to physical and spiritual wholeness."
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