Everyone On This Board Has Died, This Means I Get to Be Emperor

Jesus, this thread is brilliant. I wonder why it took me so long to post here.

Anyway, I am the king of embarassing moments. Dark days in my life which fashioned many of my teenage years. The type of kid who lived by the code of Murphy's Law.

Let's see, I got the Black Bear/camping story... the shit on my pants in High School story... the acid/dust/16 "guilder" shots/7 joints story in Amsterdamn....

I'll tell the snowboarding story to start.

I was up snowboarding with friends about 7 yrs ago at Hunter Mountain in NY. I was at the top of this huge trail way up on the mountain. Very steep. And the edges of the trail were extremely iced over. Furthermore, there was a fence running down the whole right length of the mountain b/c... beyond the fence was a steep drop off into woodland.

Now, from the edge of the trail's side to the fence was about the distance of like 5 feet maybe. And so if you walked to the side edge of the trail and looked down, it was like a ten foot drop down to a long path which ran down the length of the trail to the bottom where the ski lift was. (probably used as for maintenance and ski staffers to go up and down without having to ski it)

Anyway, long story short, I was trying to monorail with my board on the icey edge of this trail when I caught a bad patch and went right off the side. The ice threw me forward and I sort of crashed into the fence and then began my plummet downwards. Only my board was wedged above me in-between the icey edge of the trail and the fencing.

Now, picture the way Luke Skywalker is hanging upside down in that cave on Hoth in the Empire Strikes Back.

This was what I looked like... to a "t."

Now, I'm one of those people that panics if I'm upside down for too long. All the blood goes to my face and I started freaking.

So here I am trying to stretch my arm up and reach the binding on my board so I can un-do my boots and then collapse the 10 feet down into the path beside the mountain trail.

And continually... I get a gloved finger on the binding, but can't undo the latch.

So I start panting and yelling for help. Yet at the same time, I'm so fucking embarassed b/c I can just picture the guy/girl who finds me, wondering, "Hell the hell did you even accomplish getting yourself in this position, you idiot?"

Finally, after what seemed like hours (but was probably only mins)... I got the binding undone. I fell down into the snow and just laid there for a while, totally freaked out. Then I jumped up and yanked my board down into the path with me and had to walk the entire fucking length of the mountain down to the lodge.

This is one of those stories that people can never truly appreciate or understand. It's the type of unheard thing that happens so rarely... so it when it happens to you, it's almost like you have entered another world and briefly glimpsed the horror that awaits you there.

I lack any good stories due to my lack of emotions and that I stay away from drugs, alcohol, etc. to keep in pristine condition.

I fought off a giant husky that was attacking my dog in the park once. Its not that much of a story though. I was walking him and this huge white husky comes charging out of the woods. It spears my dog in the neck and starts biting at his jugular as it is instinct for dogs to do. Well, I ran over grabbed the husky by it's neck two handed and tossed the dog skidding across the paved pathway. It jumped up charged me and I stood my ground. The dog suddenly stopped glanced behind it and the looked up at me again and then made the good decision and ran for it.

Later that week it went after my dog again when my sisters were walking him and they had to run and hide behind cars from it.

The ultimate story. Visualize this with me.

My mom would kill me if she finds this out.

My Mother Set Herself on Fire.

It's a quiet evening, my sister is in the living room with my and my father. My mom is cooking dinner in the kitchen. Dad and I are playing chess. We're both deep in thought. At this point in my life, he had beaten me every single time we've played. From where I'm sitting, out of my peripheral vision I can see my mother in the kitchen.

The way our stove works, you have four burners. Two in the front, and two in the back. There is a fan above it with the switch on the wall.

My mother, in an attempt to optimize her time and cook in the most efficient way possible, turned on the stove and the fan at the exact same time. However, by doing so, she completed a circuit, and fire shot down her sleeve.

I see this out of the corner of my arm. She begins to flail a little bit.

I look up, completely confused. I say, "Dad... um... I think Mom's on fire."

Very cooly, as if I just told him I kept dead alien bodies in my closet, he says, "...what?"

Meanwhile, my mom has exited my peripheral vision, has torn her shirt off, and beat the fire out. We later deduced that it was because of the perfume she was wearing that contained alcohol, the spark created by both electrical units caught on and engulfed my mother in flames.

What's funny is she did this again, two weeks later.

i once told everyone at my school the magical story of how my father caught my brother jerking off in the bathroom, and it pretty much did the exact same thing to him. theres nothing better than emotionally scarring those you love.

a story? i will give you a story my friends.

my mother and father have had a rocky relationship for the 19 years they've known each other. he used to fuck up because of drugs and she booze. needless to say, my home is a funhouse of bipolar and passive aggressive rage. my mother, who i once respected as an intelligent person, has taken on an internet/phone boyfriend in a stupor of desperate/alcoholic behavior. needless to say, my father does not approve. this means fighting, this means screaming, this means some prick calling my house to either chat up my mother or piss off my father. i dont know too much about the guy, but i answered the phone once, and i know that hes a creepy fucker. and if he didnt live a thousand miles away, id be right with my dad to back him up as he caved in this fucker's skull. its weird, creepy, and above all just fucking stupid.

so, now my mother wants a divorce, and i support it, as these two clowns really should not be together to fuel each other's fires any longer. the problem being my father, who chooses the creepy phone boyfriend to be the patsy for his years of annoying and reckless living. now hes trying to make me help him hire a PI to get this guy checked out. im starting to lose my patience with these crazy bastards.

so, to the actual story:

my father gets this great idea to have a pseudo intervention for my mother, a nice surprise after a twelve hour day at work i would assume. for some reason i think, ok maybe we can stop her from inviting this creepy fuck over for sunday dinner with rational and intelligent dialogue. oh was i ever wrong.

apparently the strategy was to issue my mother an ultimatum. this guy or your family. the "intervention" ended with my little sister crying, my brother laughing his ass off, my father screaming/crying/throwing things, my mother sighing, and i could only watch the show. it was indescribable and enough to convince me that this marraige was doomed from the start.

so, my father is bipolar, which basically makes him a drama queen, this means that i couldnt tell either of them how stupid they were being and moderate the negotiation of the settlement. when all the fighting was wrapped up and my mother finally started ignoring him, he turns his anger on me.

"Thanks a lot for backing me up you little fuck!"

nice, very nice

maybe not a great story but it just happened so i thought id share

now this one is gold, i just remembered it.

one night my dad got hungry and went out to taco bell. he was a bit inebriated, but hes a veteran of drunken life, so i gave him my keys. im chillin' in ma crib wit my bro, and were just slangin'. so we're sitting in the living room watching adult swim ,like ya do...and suddenly we hear sirens. at first i thought it was the tv, then i hear "Stop the car now!" from a megaphone, i look outside, and of course there is my father pulling into the driveway tailed by the pigs.he gets out, and was apparently a tad drunker than i first suspected because he was belligerant as fuck, and started calling the cop a "motherfucking faggot" as he dug through my car. my mother was asleep, so i went to wake her up. the cop was like, "well, have a good night" laughing and giving me my keys. so my father refused to take a breathalizer and was carted off to the hospital for a bloodtest. and we watched the whole thing from the lawn, it was...spectacular.

sad ending though, cause i had to play chauffer for my dad afterwards, and to top it all off, i found out that my digital camcorder had been sitting in my room with a full battery and fresh tape the whole time.

i suppose a story is in order before i go to work.

i went to this old baseball diamond that nobody used anymore with my friend and his father (from the salsa story) when i was like 12. They had fashioned a go-kart out of a motor from a lawnmower, and so they wanted me to test it out.

"now, if you want to stop, you've got to let off the gas and then push the brake."

"ok."

anyhow, i take off in this rickety contraption, and it goes surprisingly fast, but after a while it gets pretty fun, so i push it as fast as it will go. so after a while i decide i want to stop. i focus, let off the gas completely, and slam the brake...

nothing happens

so i slam right into the chain link fence at full speed, and the bar connecting the steering wheel finds itself directly in the path of my genital's inertia.

never have i been seized by such pain.

I went over to my friend's house once. And I always knew he was kind of a lonely pervert. A tall gumpy Korean kid with a giant melon. The kind of guy who always bitches on and on about Korean pride, until i remind him that he was born in michigan. anyhow, we were both about 16, just hanging out in his room, and im playing this strategy game on his laptop while he studies (he's asian you know). when im finished i find a file which appears to be pornography. well NORMAL pornography which a 16 year old boy would partake in, anyway. so i say "alrighhht, porno!". he looks over and freaks out. "NOOO! DON'T OPEN THAT!!!" but i didnt heed his advice, and i should have. because lurking inside was an abundance of highly illeagaal kiddie porn.

im completely shocked, but hes not even phased by it. he apparently sees no problem with his taste in pornography, let alone how it is produced. he cant seem to fathom that he should get himself some help. i tell him to burn his computer, feed it to his dog, and eat it, because if he gets caught with all that downloaded, he is FUCKED

so today, i got in trouble at work. They said that not only did i make racially insensitive comments, but i also indoctrinated retarted co-workers. I get a touch bored at work, and one of my only sources of joy can often be making Dr. Phil happy, and humiliating my father, who is my boss. If i can do both at once, well...

so phil was making pizza's, and my father asked me to chop up some bacon. so he changes the radio station to some classicy rock type thing, playing the eagles. so i start screaming at the top of my lungs, "WHY DA WHITEMAN GOT TO CONTRAH DA BEATS! WHY NOT PLAY SOME RIZZAP FO ME AND PHIL, MY PROUD AFRICAN BROTHER!"

to which he replied, "shut the fuck up and chop the bacon."

to which I replied "OH IS THAT HOW IT IS?! WHY DA BLACKMAN GOTS TO CHOP THE CRACKA'S BACON?! SHOULD I DO A SAMBO JIG TOO BOSS?!"

phil immediately starts cracking up, which only encourages me

"YOU SEE HIM PHIL!? YOU SEE THAT CRACKA?! HE GONNA WORK THA BLACKMAN TO THE BONE! SERVING FOOD TO THESE CRACKA'S ALL DAY! WHEN WILL IT BE DA BLACKMAN'S TIME!"

phil chimes in "YEAAH, YOU MOFUCKIN CRACKA! STOP ENSLAVING OUR BROTHERS WHITE DEVIL!"

so, my father, who isnt the most humored fellow, glares at me and whispers "look you fuck. there are people all around here ok? somebody walkin by could take it out of context. so stop it, now."

"OHHHHH, I SEE HOW THIS SHIT BE! THA WHITEMAN GOTS TO SLAPPA DOWN THE "DARKIES" OPINION DONT HE?! DONT TAKE IT PHIL, THE REVOLUTION IS AT HAND!"

"YEEEEEAAHHHHH!"

"KILL WHITEY!!! ATTICA!!!KILL WHITEY!!! ATTICA!!!"

and i amost got fired over this shit...

Damn Proto, I thought I was a druggie.

Lets see, story story story, I got one.

A few months ago I went to Vegas with a three of my buddies. We were going to stay three days so we had secured about an eightball for each person, a few valiums, and a pinch of weed.

Anyway, we party hard for the first two nights and all throughout the day. I think I got about 6 hours sleep total during all three days. So our last day there, we're all a little tired but we all want to go to a strip club. But we're thinking about the costs of actually going to one since we're all starting to run low on cash. So we figure, cab fare there and back, cover charge, drinks, and lap dances, its all going to add up. So we figure that since we have our own drinks at our hotel, as well as our drugs, we should get a stripper into our hotel room and save some cash. Seemed like a great at the time.

So what do we do, we call one of those cards that they pass out on the strip. For those of you unfamiliar with them, they're these cards with half naked girls named Candy or Ginger on them with a phone number you can call to "order in". Well, on the back of the card we have it says that they also do strip shows, so we're stoked and sure that we've out smarted Vegas.

So I get stuck with the duty to call in and order this stripper, and on the card it says she'll come over for $60, and upon calling I was able to get two girls for $99. Splitting the cost between the four of us, it doesn't come out to too much. Giddy as all hell with ourselves, we rack up the lines and down some rum, then go down to the casino to get some one dollar bills to tip the girls with.

After waiting for about half an hour like four little boys waiting for Christmas to arrive, the girls finally show up. Even though we had asked for a blond and a brunette, two blonds show up instead. One of which is a tad bit thick, the other of which is a knock out. So they tell us before they can do anything, they need the $99, so we shuffle it over to them. Then they go on to say that the $99 we just gave them was just to get them over here, and that they're going rate was $600 and hour, each.

We looked at each other, stupified at what we had just heard. Obviously these girls were more than just strippers, so one of my buddies goes, obviously there's been a misunderstanding. So we haggle with these girls and explain to them that we weren't looking for sex, just a strip show. These girls are obviously annoyed and decide that if we throw in $60 each, they'll put on a memorable show that we'll never forget.

Reluctantly and feeling stupid, we agreed and paid up. What we got was the lamest 10 minute show I'd ever seen. Before we knew it, the girls were gone, and we were each $90 in the hole.

Needless to say, we finished all our drugs and alcohol in that next hour.

Marisa isn't perfect after all. She hurt someone's feelings. That someone being Meghan. I hate how she spells her name. They "don't respect each other anymore." Oh yeah, those aren't their real names either, just sos you know. Whatever...

Chris spoke at a school yesterday. Career day. Chris has 7 pieces of bomb in her leg. Chris spells her name like a man. She is my brother's secretary. She has nice tits and tans everyday...

I almost went to yoga with Meghan. Actually I didn't almost go. Still she is awesome in the sack. I can't take much more. Fuck it. My foot started bleeding. Broken glass I think. Just shows you shouldn't walk on broken glass. For no reason. Just happened. Go figure...

I had a headache last night. I think the cheese cause it. I never eat cheese. I had a piece last night...

Imagine being depressed, having a headache, and being in a room after eating cheese. Now you're me. Yeah. It was fun...

Someone told me again that I have good genes. I guess I have some good genes. I hate life, but whatever. I wish I had booze right now. I like that word. Booze. I learned French from a girl I in college. She taught me lots of french...

Such as "to fuck."... and, "to get laid."... and, "cocaine"... and, "booze"... anyway... I forgot it all. I still would like a cold beer. Maybe a glass of booze. Maybe just this Mountain Dew...

#769) One day, as I was flying across the ocean from the US to Japan, eating from a plastic-fantastic tray and watching John Travolta on the video, I couldn't help thinking that I am going to sail back to the Western Hemisphere on these tiny boats. My pants had apple juice soaked intothe polyester and a stoner was asking for the flight attendant. He caught on fire, as does everyone in my stories, and died of pneumonia when we crashed. i ate him to survive. Tasted like chicken.

Japan kind of reminds me of Holland: small farms interwoven within a matrix of high tech. My stepbrother is a businessman in Japan and has lived here for years and I have never visited him. So I am in the mountains in his country home, enjoying the lush greenness. We went for a walk today and I saw many types of plants that I have never seen before. It reminded me that in the old days, when people migrated long distances, they traveled slowly, over many generations, so they could learn each environment well enough to survive in it before they proceeded to another. Our migration this summer takes on a different form. But the spirit of pressing into the unknown remains the same. Japan has Denny's too. They have John Wayne Bobbitt knives. Wait this story sucks, let me go find another one. #873 or #2,692? You decide.

k here are some of my gross stories, of which rents told me to post (so no im not looking for atention!!!) plus a few new ones.

being the moron i am was mouthing off to one of my buddies dad. now this guy is a big brute of a man, maybe 6"3 or 4, 300+ pounds. so anyways i odnt know why i decided to do it, but i told a joke that made him sound like a wuss or osmething and then i did a fight club quote "oh look his eyes are shrinkwrapped" anyways my best bud' mom was gutting and skinning a fish while we were standing here talking. now im maybe 5"6 9 at most, so outta nowhere this guy grabs me by my collor and swings me around, grabs the plate of skinned fish rubs it in my face, my hair, and my mouth. nasty, dry and boney fish. i sat aorund for 10 minutes, just soaking up the smell into me before showerrin

so we're at the cottage all ym good friends and i (same place where fish thing happenned) and we just leave the cottage at night to walk around and kill some time. now i have the oddest tendency to havta shit at the weirdest times (see: Second Cup story) and at these times its never an easy hard shit that slips right out or a liquid one thats done and over with. its mushy stuff that takes concentration to get out. so we're walking along and all of a sudden i gotta fart, so im waljking and i cant fart, its sorta just sitting in me so i push hard and all of a sudden the tip of the shit nugget pops out, doesnt fall out just sticks its head out to say hello lol, so i carefully walk into some bushes (without anyone noticing except my best friend. so i push out as much as i can right, and unoticing that i may have just shat my pants (it may have fallen into the pile of pants on the ground) so i qucikly grab a leaf to wipe, and asi put the leaf between my but cracks, it breaks my hand goes through and into the shyte. so now i got shyte on my hands, and my pants are down i end up getting shit on pants while trying to pull em up. so ackwardly walk back to the cottage to clean up, takes me a while to get the shit out and than i realise theres no washing machines except in town. so i waste a whole roll trying to scrub the small but noticable shit out, resulting in me clogging the toilet and everyone in the area (its like 10 cottages all together in this area) finds out that i took this huge shit and clogged the toilet, never finding out that it was cause i was trying to clean my pants, who told em? lol my best bud, so i just gruinned and puffed my chest up and said "yeah baby, i dominated that shitter"

alrighty my friend. k so here it is. me and my best bud, we'll call him party-boy for reference. so anyways i go to party-boys place for the weekend. and he hasta work till 11 and we're plannin to see a flick at 11:30, so he picks me up at 11:20pm and we race over to the theatre, so we push a couple red lights and yell at a couple people ec etc and we get there, now its ritual for me to take a long, huge piss before a movie, since we were runnin outta time i had to pass that opportunity, sow e get in, im able to hold it in the whole time while drinking a bottle of water. after its doen i head over to the bathroom, so i start pissin and than i stop, walk outta the stall zipper down and bottle in hand and walk aup to shawn and say "DUDE! i should piss in this bottle and throw it at someone" everyone in the bathroom and freezes to look at me, he aggrees and i go piss in the bottle, it was totally silent too everyone was listennin to hear the echoed sound of the pee goin in the bottle. so the bottles filled up, and we go driving around lookin for shit to do, so we go over to pick up this other guy. and than party-boy fills the bottle up even more. by now the stuff is getting pretty warm and is full. so we go driving some more for at least an hour, since it was cold we had the heater goin too (and since i refused to roll up the window it was cranked) and the bottle of piss happenned to be sittin right baove the spot where the heat comes out. i took the lid off to get a smell of it and it is fucking rancid. so we drive around for 30 more minutes lookin for the right person to chuck this bottle at. and finally we come to a road and see two tall arabic guys dressed in swaid gino gear, not even rushign to get out of our way off the road, so as we pass i undo the cap to the battle and chuck and yell in the morst surfiest of surfer voices "EWWWWWW ITS PISS!!!!!" the shit went all over them, and form the direction they were walking, theyre house was far away

so party-boy comes over for the weekend. and i invite my cousin too. and we're all hanging out and decide we need to do osmething dumb. so we walk ove to the convenience store and we each buy a gallon (4 litres) of milk. we than head back to the park across the street from my house. so the contest is we havta finish the whole gallon of milk, in an hour or under time, which is quite hard. now being the idiot party-boy is, he choses chocolate milk, now party-boy is like me, his shits come at the worst possible times and theyre never comfortabe. so he downs as much milk as possible in 35 minutes, and he got about 3 quarters of the stuff in him, my cousin drops out at 1.5 - 2 litres in him, now me im still going, and im at 2.5 and i dont fell sick or anything, my cuz and party-boy, theyre growing from stomach complaints. so i finsih about 3.5 quartes of the milk, when i havta shit, milk does that too you. so i go over and shit in osme bushes by a fence, than party-boy decides to too, except is stuff was fucking liquid rancidness and th dog on the other side of the fence was whimpirring it smelt so bad, anyways i go back to trying to drink more milk but cant, im just too full. but i dont feel really sick or anythigna nd am a bit disapoointed. so i getmy cuz to start punching me in the gut, tryign to get me to puke but i cant. party-boy decides he hasta shit again (this time he hasta shit out the chocalte milk, before it ws something he ate earlier) so he sits up on a banister, 4 feet in the air and sticks his ass off the ledge and starts shitting, now i shit you not i saw not only 2 full sized Oh Henry sized shits come outta him, but than it musta been all the milk he had to (in shit form) spraying out like a damn hose at full water pressure. since i still hadnt puked or anythign i stuck my nose at leaast a foot away from this shit water park comin outta his ass and started taking big whiffs than i ran 4 feet away form him and started making myself hurl (fingers in throat plus smell did it) so heres parrty-boy shitting like a fire hose, me beside him puking chucnks that are coming out of my nose, and the puke is so liquidy thta its like pouring water out of a jug coming outta me, than the liquid stuff was pouring outta my nose too and my cousin beside me staring in horror, outta nowhere my cuz falls to the ground and starts puking in disgust. now rememeber this is at a school (at night time) and the banister we were lined up with had gravel in fornt of it. we finished up everythign and the whole area, was coverred with puke, milk, shit and shitty toilet paper. we came back the next day, party-boys shit had stained the ground and made a permanent smell there, and our puke had soaked up into the ground (surprisingly the grass [we puked on grass in front of gravel, party-boy shat on gravel] was pretty green and looked healthier) after the weekend was over someone had cleaned up the disaster site
now i have a nother stoiry that happened at the school with me and party-boy, buts its nothign gross just fuinny if ya wanna hear it

me party-boy and my cuz are wodnerrin around at like 2 am, now in this town at 2 am the old people rule, they gater ing angs at local coffee shops, fucking huge numbers of em. so we go to the coffee shop and theres this gang of 7 or 8 old people sitting htere, so we sit behind them right and we start talking. now party-boy is telling me how he hasta get his molers removed and how hes gonna get tylenol 3's and kodine and all this fun stuff, and my cuz was backing him up saying how fun it is and good the stuff works. they wouldnt fuckin shut up about it, so out of no where i yelled in a mentally challenged voice "AHHH LEAVE ME ALONE! I ODNT WANT NO DRUGS!!!" now my back was facing the old people, but party-boy and chris's eyes turned as big as dinner plates right after i said that, the whole table of old people looked over and were about to call the cops, than i broke out in laughter, of course i got my ass beated with clothes hangers for it and many other things (flashing the light on and off till 5 in the mornin g in my room while they were trying to sleep, throwing cat food treats at them and singing, and also doing shadow puppets)

earlier on that night they were both gambling and playign dice, and got really into it, leaving me bored as fuck, so i quietly download this osng called Angel of Death by Slayer, and as soon as it started i did the one mosh pit and jumped all around and over them fuckign up their game and throwing the dice everywhere, than while it was happenin they flipped me over the couch and i fell onto the ground, now this wouldnt be that bad but it was in my basement and the floor down there is pure concrete. fun nights, later that night party-boy stole a plate form Tim Hortons (coffee shop) and was so proud of himself that he was sneaky as soon as we got outside he was lookin at it in marvel and i yelled ina mentally chalenged voice again "NO! Stealings bad!!!" and i smacked the plate out of his hand onto the ground and it broke

k this didnt happen to me, it happened to my ood buddy pedro. this is back when he was in highschool, anyways he was in detention with 3 of his buddies. the teacher told them to sit still, be quiet and dont cause any trouble while she went to go talk to another teacher just down the hall (not too far) so as soon as she left they waited for abit and started goofing off. they ended up throwing a table accross the room lol with a big CRASH the teacher comes runnign in the room flipping out. she gives them shit and says shes going back to the other teachers room as she turns around theres a trail of toilet paper stuck to her dress, with a big clump of shit on it

I have some shaving stories, but ill post em up with the “evening with rents” thread, for some reason we always have interesting conversations about shit that he probably doesn’t wanna hear about. But as of now, here are more stories from my bud pedro and john and hutch.

One night john and hutch and pedro, decide they wanna go to a party, being too drunk to drive (although that never stopped em before) they decide not to drive. John comes up with a good solution tho, (scary thing is, me being the complete jackass that he is [long lost brothers perhaps?] I totally understood the reasoning behind this) he decides to steal a tractor, and drive it to the part. So hutch (whos got a bubba in his backpack [a mini keg]) and pedro and john (whos been huffin pleny a gasoline) jump in on this tractor and head off to the party.
“dude, you can only go 7 miles per hour, we’re not gonna crash”
so theyre driving down the road and get to close to the edge, which turns into a hill and john falls off the tractor rolling down the hill. All you could hear was
“ahhh *clang* ahhh *clang* ahhhh *clang*” the mini keg in his backpack was the clanign as he rolled down the hill. Pedro ended up just bailing and flaling off the road. And john road off into the night laughing and yellin.

Another night, with pure drunkness pedro decides he wants to drive this mini moped. So he goes scooterring around the street and goes to cross this intersection which hutch pulls in front of him. All you oculd see was pedros surprised face and hutch’s screaming face as pedro drove the moped right into the side of the car, and than managed to go up the side of the car and down. he popped out existing dents and made new ones, and there were tire marks that ran from the driver door, up to the roof and down to the bottom far corner of the back seat door. Lol pure fucking hillarious

i've been thinking about stupid strangers lately, and was reminded of this story about driving in boston. for those of you who've never done this, i wouldn't recommend it, ever. take the t, take the bus, or walk.

anyway. i'm driving down this three-lane road, and this guy in a pickup truck is driving in the middle lane, to the right of me. he's way over in his lane, and not only am i disgusted to find him gawking at me, he's dangerously close to hitting my car. we come to a stop light, and i hear "hey! hey!!" to which i ignore, and turn up my radio. the light turns green, and i'm off. i pull into the same lane as mr. pickup, in order to avoid further comments from him, and because eventually, i'm going to want to make a right. he's a few cars back, so i promptly forget about him. a few seconds later i hear "you cut me off, you bitch" which startles me into looking directly at the dirtbag, who is again, to the right of me. don't know how he did it, but he managed to jockey his POS truck right up my ass again. so, i promptly flip him off. he starts screaming "you're gonna flip ME off?? you stupid bitch, nobody flips me off!!" to which i flip him off again and mouth FUCK YOU. this sends him into a new level of rage; seriously, his face turned purple. he's trying to pull all these "cool aggressive driver" moves which are just stupid as we're in some pretty hefty, yet moving traffic. just then, my cell phone rings, and as i answer it, he's yelling "you CUNT!! you calling the COPS????" and i'm just laughing at him now, because his rage is funny to me. guess the thought of the cops finding him, and my laughing was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back, because he races ahead of me, and throws a cup of soda out the window. just as the soda's flying back, someone cuts me off, and gets the soda all over their windshield. there was ice, too. just as i'm making my turn, i see mr. pickup yelling out the window to the other guy, and his wife/girlfriend/whatever shaking her fist, brandishing her cell phone.

Here's a quick story:

Me and some friends decided to go around the area in which I live and just video tape some stuff. I, of course, was the camera man. I just turned it on when I found the things we were doing funny.

So anyway, after a while of boring, stupid stuff, we decided to hang out with this [asian, it doesn't seem like it matters but it will be useful to know for later] stockbrocker we met outside his office. And he sees that we're videotaping stuff, so decides to get us to fuck around with his friend at the office and fellow stockbrocker. So we go inside the brockerage, and find this guy at the office, and basically screw around with him a bit, threatening to kick his ass and stuff, it was pretty useless and stupid. We go back outside with the asian guy after being asked to leave by security.

So then we're outside and one of my dumbass friends decides to be himself, and to start threatening the asian guy. He starts calling him an "asian pussy" and all those other things, and this I get on tape, as well as me and another friend breaking apart the shit that this friend just bought at the store while he's not looking.

But then I get an important call on my cell phone and turn off the camera and walk into the parking lot so I can talk. I turn around and next thing I know the asian guy is kicking the shit out of one of my friends. I am sitting there talking on the phone, laughing my ass off, when I realize the camera was off the whole time.

I didn't get it on tape. The look on his face when the guy hit him was priceless. A sort of "oops." Needless to say, we're still friends with this asian dude.

I feel like posting a morgue story:

So I'm going to work kind of open it was going to be an easy day. It has been raining constantly and it makes me lethargic when the weather is so shitty like this. So I get to the morgue and I am told that we have a big case today. What I didn't realize was that big was meant in a literal sense of the word. The motherfucker was 500 pounds. He was a 34 year old morbidly obese man. The fucking guy was huge. He was a med school dropout because he got depressed after seeing sick people. He basically ate himself to death.

It took 4 guys to move this fatty from the gurney to the autopsy table. I thought I was going to get poked in the eye by one of his enormous tits. The man was also not very fluent in the area of hygiene. He hadn't shaved or cut his hair in months. His beard was touching his gigantic breasts. He also had fingernails and toenails that were beginning to curl. He had feces and dirt caked onto his feet and arms. This motherfucker smelled worse than a decomp case. When we turned him over so the doctor could look at his back side, he had TWO asses. His thighs made another ass. It was horrific. This man really smelled like shit. When we cut him open, there was 6 inches of fat under his skin. That is half a foot. When the autopsy was over and he was all sewed up, it was a very close fit getting him into a body bag.

This fatty was one smelly piece of crap. I don't understand how someone can eat that much. It blows my mind.

i got a bit of story...
In 1983 i went to see billy idol at the spectrum in philadelphia, i was 16 in combat boots with red lipstick and eye shadow.He was on stage singing eyes with out a face and even though there were 15000 people watching him i knew in my heart it was me he was singing to, i was the young billy. Except i was taller and had more depth. After the show i headed for the real party, the parking lot, where i met Joe a 16 yr old boy from New Jersey who liked to ride dirt bikes, we talked for hours until it started to rain and i had no cabfare and the subway was closed. I asked myself "what would billy do in this situation, "follow me joe says, i have a car". So were drving through South Philadelphia when joe goes, "have you ever thought about having sex witha man?" "No" i said, "have you"? There was a long pause... "Are you sure" i said. The next thing i know joe starts spilling his guts on me and just wants one kiss. If i had seen a hint of billy in him i wouldve done it, i wouldve grabbed him by the ears and been his south Philly slut. But he was joe from new jersey and his hobby was riding dirt bikes, the car got quiet i asked joe if he had been with a girl, if he got excited in the locker room, if he was alone and depressed. YES YES joe was very depressed and often thought about suicide. This was getting too much, so i told him drop me off at the corner of the street so he wouldnt see what house i lived in. As i got out i turned around and gave joe the kiss of his life, sucking his tounge like that last hit on the last joint in the entire world...i left him there all worked up...amazed at the Billy in me.

i went to a party. i had drunk alcohol before, but had never been fully intoxicated. thus i had no judgement as far as how much to drink was too much. so it was at this girl's apt. i went with my bf who's not a big drinker. i'm sitting in this room with him and a couple people, shooting the shit, drinking a mike's hard lemonade, when the hostess of the party comes in with a strange looking drink in her hand. it was similar in color to beer, but not quite the same, and it didn't have a head on it, and she had ice in it, so i knew it wasn't beer, but it looked a lot like it, or maybe apple juice. i asked her what it was. she replied that it was amaretto and sprite, and immediately asked me if i wanted her to mix me one. i said sure, trying to be polite. i didn't know her too well, so i didn't know that she was completely cocked off her ass at the time (she wasn't really slurring or any telltale stuff, she was mostly acting weird, but like i said, i didn't know her too well).

she comes back with a yard glass.

a yard glass full of amaretto.

with a little pinch of sprite for color.

and being me, i drank the whole goddamn thing, all the while asking my boyfriend and his friends, "what the hell is amaretto?"

"it's liquor," they answered.

"i KNOW, but what KIND??" i kept asking.

"what do you mean?"

"like, jack daniel's is whiskey, bud light is beer, what's amaretto?"

"it's amaretto."

it was like one of those Nut-N-Honey commercials.

So another stiff yard glass and pint glass full of the stuff after that, the cops showed up at the party, so my bf and i took that as our cue to leave. as i sat down in the car, i felt this sudden woozy rush. it felt like i'd sat down too fast. "whoa," i said dumbly.

"Are you ok?" my bf asked me, several times on the way home.

"I don't know," I kept telling him.

finally we got to the parking lot where we had to park because umass is a shitty school and treats its students like redheaded stepchildren. it's easily half a mile from the dorm i was in. so we start walking. suddenly i found it very difficult to walk. "since when have all these fucking...rocks...been in the way down here?" i remarked of the gravelly parking lot surface. my bf gave me a weird look but we walked on.

we crossed the street, and then, lo and behold, we reached a bush. i became enamored of this bush. "can we sit down by this bush?" i asked my bf. he looked at me like i'd just sprouted a few spare heads, and then said, "no, we have to get back to your room."

"but it's so far, though!" i shouted, and then doubled over with laughter.

my bf managed to drag me over to the dorm building (me complaining all the while that it was so far and suggesting that we camp out there for the night). behind the building are a bunch of large rocks intended to keep people from parking in this one little strip behind the building.

"LOOK AT THOSE FUCKING ROCKS" i shouted. "THEY ARE ALL IN A FUCKING LINE."

suddenly it was astounding to me (and a bit irritating/funny) how everything was in a line. bricks were in lines, windows, the buttons on the elevator...but before we got to the elevator, i managed to sit down, refusing to budge, by the back door.

we went to the back door, which you can pretty much only get into when someone else is going out, because we wanted to avoid the front door, and security, and being written up by the dumbass RA for public drunkenness. as i sat on the little ledge outside the door, my boyfriend tried to explain to me that when the person we were waiting for came out of the door, he was going to hit me with the door.

"WHAT ARE YOU THE FUCKING DOOR NAZI??" i demanded.

somehow or other we got into the elevator, and up to my floor, and down the hall to my room (the doors all in a line were an obstacle i had to fight to overcome). finally we get to my room and i'm trying as hard as i can to stifle my laughter, as it has just occurred to me that i must look composed for my roommate (which is bullshit, b/c she and i are really close friends, and she was, frankly, waiting for the day when i'd remove the pole from my ass and get fucking drunk as is umass tradition). i managed to hold the resolve until the door swung open and i caught sight of the christmas lights we'd decorated our room with, which were, of course, in a line.

after a while i moved on to shapes. my roommate and i had a gay old time taking my sorry ass to the bathroom, as i began to notice, in a very loud tone at about 3 am in the middle of the hallway, that you always see circles in squares (i.e. the doorknob set in a door) but you never see squares in circles (a friend of mine after hearing this story named one of his creative projects square-in-circle productions, btw). we got to the bathroom where i managed to piss IN the toilet (quite the accomplishment for me that night), but all hell broke loose when it came time to get up, and i found myself, pants around the ankles, swinging like an orangutan from the top of the stall door. my roommate managed to get me cleaned up, and then we journeyed back to the room. on the way back, i noticed (or rather, remembered) that a hallmate had an ani difranco poster on her door. i began to pound on the door and scream about "loving ani" until my roommate dragged me away after quite a struggle.

back in the room, i began saying things like, "the fucking hebrews and the fucking chinese. they think they're so fucking different. why dont they get with it and write straight, left to right, side to side, like the rest of the fucking world? what the FUCK???" after a while my roommate told me that every time i changed topics of conversation i'd have to take a swallow of water (the better to stave off the massive hangover she knew was coming). i must've drank about a good two liters this way.

finally, lying in my bed, staring at the christmas lights, in the middle of a huge rant about god knows what, i screamed at my roommate, "HEATHER I HAVE TO GO TO BED!!!! I HAVE TO GO TO BED, HEATHER!!!"

ever the patient one, she replied, "you are in bed."

"I'M TELLING YOU" I shouted again, "THAT I HAVE TO GO TO FUCKING BED, RIGHT. THE FUCK. NOW."

and then i passed out.

it's too bad my bf and roommate were the only witnesses, cause i could've sold tickets to that.