Joey Goebel

Interview by Dennis Widmyer

Joey Goebel is a moron, and I mean that in the best way. He's one of the goofiest, most care-free dudes I've had the pleasure of interviewing in a long time. But I shouldn't say mean things about the guy. Hell, he's 23 and has already written two novels and fronted a band that's toured the country and released two EPs and a full length album. You don't see me writing any novels, do you? And the only successful band I ever fronted played one show at the Portuguese Heritage Society.

So what is it about Goebel's two forays into fiction that got be so addicted? Is it the fact that he lacks any and all pretensions? Maybe, but it's the world of his novels that attracts me so much. Tales of dissident outcasts in society, plagued to be living in a time when the airwaves are teeming with boy bands and insecure hip hop performers. And when the only choices in your local cineplex are a remake, a sequel, or a remake of a sequel.

Joey Goebel writes about this world with a humorous satire. His characters are you and me. His voice could be yours. His themes simple, yet hopeful. His books are refreshing and fun. They're not out to prove anything. And neither was Joey when I sat down with him and began the following interview. I came by his work via editor extraordinaire, Pat Walsh, who sent me a copy of his first novel The Anomalies in the same package that he sent me Hell's Half Acre in. I finished The Anomalies during a camping trip with friends. A few weeks later, I would finish Joey's second novel, the upcoming Torture The Artist, on an airplane flying over the Atlantic. This interview was conducted via Instant Messenger in the comfort of my sweltering office.

Joey Goebel: Dennis, I honestly don't know if you got my first message. If you did, don't think that I'm being an overly aggressive instant messenger. This is the hyman-popping experience for me in way of instant messaging. You've opened my eyes to a whole new world. I can choose my own picture. Horses!

Dennis Widmyer: Hey, Joey. No, this is the first IM I've ever seen or gotten from you on the planet Human Earth. So my first impression isn't tainted. No worries. In fact, I saw you add me to your Buddy List, and then 15 mins went by and I began wondering when you were going to IM me. (laughs)

Goebel: Yeah, I actually spent fifteen minutes choosing that picture. Let's go with a rocket now. Did it change? Do you see the fucking rocket, Dennis? Also-- will this interview be presented as if it were in person?

Dennis: First off, no I don't see any rocket. You're on MSN Messenger, and I'm on the crummy Windows version of Messenger... which is really the same thing, but without all the bells & whistles. So I don't see any rocket. And yes, I like to playfully give the idea that we're doing this in person, even though it's painfully obvious we're not.

Goebel: By the way, I love your Chuck page. I've actually been a regular visitor to the page for a few years. Thanks so much for including me. It's a wet dream come true.

Dennis: Silly, boy.... wet dreams ALWAYS come true.

Goebel: Wet dreams always COME true! Ha! I get it. I just ate me a chicken sandwich. By the way, I don't know how long you intend to go today, but in a couple of hours I must tend to my temporary job. I'm a secret shopper.

Dennis: Seriously?

Goebel: Yes. I pretend like I'm interested in Serta mattresses. I get paid to lie on beds. Does this make me a prostitute?

Dennis: Sadly, yes. But it's a very cool job. Now let's rock n' roll!

Goebel: Okay. Kick my rump.

---

Interview Begins Here...

Dennis: Okay, to begin... gimme some backstory on how you got into this whole writing shindig. And don't be afraid to ramble.

Goebel: I've been writing since I could hold a pencil. Actually, my first book wasn't The Anomalies. It was THE JUNGLE IS A WILD PLACE, which I wrote when I was five. Couldn't get any publishers to pick that one up, though. But I began viewing writing as a possible career in college, when I became an English major. I had some great teachers at little Brescia University that really opened....

What the fuck? This thing wouldn't let me write any more.

Dennis: Yep, there's a character limit... you'll get used to it.

Goebel: Anyway, ...my eyes to literature. Initially, I wanted to be a screenwriter. I wrote four screenplays, the last of which was The Anomalies. After I couldn't sell it, I decided to adapt it into a novel. Dozens of queries later, The Anomalies found a home in MacAdam/Cage, those sweet angels of mercy.

Dennis: Let's talk about the screenplays. How did you try and go about selling them? And what were some of the other ones about?

Goebel: I went about selling them the same way I went about selling my novel: I sent out query letters like I was going to die. I sent them to agents and producers alike. I got a few bites, but ultimately, no one would take a chance on me. It was unique (borderline stupid) material. For instance, the first one I wrote was called FRANKY DANDELION. It was about a young, meek fellow who feels inferior to more masculine guys, so he gets himself some testicular implants (hippo neuticals, to be precise). Then there was GIRL HUNT. It was about a guy who breaks world records for a living. It actually opens with him breaking the world record for most world records broken.

Dennis: How old were you when you were writing these?

Goebel: I was twelve. Nah, I was still a teen when I wrote FRANKY DANDELION. I guess my immaturity showed in the premise, didn't it?

Dennis: Not at all... all I'm hearing is utter brilliance.

Goebel: Bless your heart. In my defense, while these screenplays may sound low-brow, they were rich in theme and symbol. Franky Dandelion's gargantuan testicles represented the perils of masculinity.

 Dennis: (clears throat) Let's talk about The Mullets, you fronting this band for a couple years, put out a couple EPs... was it tough changing careers like that, when you weren't even sure you'd succeed in writing?

Goebel: No, it wasn't tough at all. Five years into The Mullets, I realized that a career as a musician was not the career for me. I'm a poor traveler. To achieve any degree of success, we would've had to go on an extensive tour. And for a band at our level, tours are usually exercises in futility. I mean, we had our share of out of town shows. There's always a good chance you'll drive six hours just to play for ten people and not even get paid enough for gas money. Also, playing shows was physically hard on me. I'm generally an unhealthy person. I'd play a show and be absolutely drained for the next two days. Of course, that's probably because I rocked out with every fiber of my being. The Mullets played for keeps, dang it. Also, being the singer, I'd pick up every germ on the microphones. I was constantly sick. I also have problems being in public, more specifically in crowds. Writing is a much better fit for me.

---

Bill Cosby, Ozzy Smith's Ass, and Beastmaster

Dennis: So what's the lamest thing you ever did while on stage during a show?

Goebel: Oh, God. That's difficult. The Mullets thrived on lameness. Let's see-- one time I played a show when I was very sick (again-- GERMS FROM MICROPHONES!). I drank Dayquil on stage and moments later tripped over myself.... I regularly dry-humped my guitar while singing lyrics like "Every time I think of you it's a wet dream. My little pony, I'll take you to Shoney's." I don't know. Even our lameness probably appealed to some people. I don't know if these examples would be considered lame. Probably.

Dennis: I'm beginning to see just how autobiographical The Anomalies really is. Speaking of that, why the fuck did you put your own face on the cover of your book!?!? you're not even a fuckin' character in the book! What an egomaniacal thing to do, man! (see book cover up top. yes... that's Goebel's mug on the cover)

Goebel: Step off, Widmyer. Believe it or not, that was not my idea. Pat Walsh, my editor justified the cover by saying, "We feel that nothing exemplifies the spirit of your book [better] than the author himself." I'm trying to make the most of it. Anyone who asks me to sign the book gets a mustache or pentagram drawn on the cover.

Dennis: Yeah, right. Pat told me it was all your idea. And that you were bummed that you hadn't written yourself into your book, Vonnegut style, and so you figured the next best thing was being ON the actual cover. Weak, man... weak.

Goebel: Pat is jerkball. That is not true. Did you know he's actually illiterate? And by the way, I did write myself into the book.

Dennis: That's true... I seem to remember something like that. Who did you play again?

Goebel: I was the nervous guy wearing a Bill Cosby sweater. Aurora noticed me.

Dennis: Ahhh, right. And let's talk about Bill Cosby. Do you feel reruns of the Cosby Show hold up?

Goebel: No! I'm so glad you mentioned that, because I feel strongly about this topic. I don't think they held up to begin with! I know this might seem like sacrilege to people in my age group, but it's the truth. You know how people call SEINFELD "the show about nothing"? Well, The COSBY SHOW was the original show about nothing. Entire scenes will revolve around Cosby pouring a glass of orange juice or eating a piece of cake. Other scenes have absolutely no humor in them. I find watching the COSBY SHOW to be a disturbing, almost surreal experience. I guess I was more of a FAMILY TIES type of guy.

Dennis: I never really dug the Cosbys either. And I hated A Different World even more. Me, I was a "Tour of Duty" "Growing Pains" kinda guy. Although nothing beats the opening theme song to "Perfect Strangers." I've always wanted a band to cover that.

Goebel: I'm sorry, but I think GROWING PAINS sucks Ozzy Smith's ass. I've said before that it has the least likable group of actors ever assembled.

"It's my life, it's my dream. Nothing's gonna stop me now."

Dennis: Ooooooh! (steps back, shaking head.... then looks to crowd, trying to feed off their energy, Hulk Hogan style) You DARE mess with Growing Pains? Mike had a friend called Boner, damn you!

Goebel: Don't hulk up on me. I love wrestling, by the way.

Dennis: BONER!

Goebel: Yeah, that was the coolest thing about that show. They had a character whose name couldn't be uttered without the viewers thinking about erections.

I've been a loyal wrestling viewer since Survivor Series, 1988.

Excuse me, I gotta spill some urine.

Dennis: Go for it.

In the meantime, prepare to hear the greatest Beastmaster tale ever. (Note: Goebel has a section on his website dedicated to the animals of Beastmaster)

Goebel: Lay it on me.

Dennis: Okay, Beastmaster has a strange history with me. As a kid, I remember the movie about the blonde dude who had the ferret that could fetch keys and shit and I remember this horrible scene where these "bat people" with big wings grabbed this one guy in their wings and hugged them over him. And when they opened the wings, bones fell out. Now, as a kid, this really fucked me up for some reason... until I saw Beastmaster 2 and beheld the greatest thing ever during the end credits.

Goebel: Yeah, those bat people were creepy as hell. But remember, they were on Beastmaster's side, because they were actually animals.

Dennis: Yeah.... but as a kid, I didn't see it that way. So now, I'm watching BM 2 on HBO a couple years ago and the end credits has a shot of him running in place with a tiger running next to him.

Do you see it in your head yet?

Goebel: Yes, and I own the movie, so I'll check it out later.

Dennis: Okay, anyway, about halfway through the credits, the tiger suddenly stops the charade of running in place... and just walks off the frame in a bored manner, leaving the beastmaster stranded. Furthermore, he glances over at the tiger walking off, then looks off-screen as if to say, "Are we still rolling?" And they LEAVE IT IN THE MOVIE!

It's brilliant!

Goebel: BEASTMASTER is all I know. It's my life.

Dennis: Its a good life