LOFIVINYL GETS TAG-TEAMED BY MOREY AND GUTTERTEST

I didn’t really edit this much just the part where Kate says she hates fat people.

Guttertest- So what’s up Kate?

Lofivinyl- I am sucking on a green apple Jolly Rancher and coding Seattle city light bills for work. I never know what to say when people ask what’s up. The stock market is up*. I think I could tell you more about what is down than what is up.
· *She isn’t stupid it had just gone up 900 points.
·
G- It wasn’t a real question anyway. Who do you think has more culties crushing on them, you or morey?

L- Oh I don’t know, there’s some sort of formula to figure this shit out….post frequency times number of noobs divided by hot pics recently posted. So it could change at any given moment, the internets are volatile like that. You know how you commented on that thing I said in that one thread? That was fucking astute. It was kind of revelatory. I’d never realized that’s how I felt until you said it.

G- You’re funny, I’m sure it’s you, although you might scare them more than even just the idea of morey’s prong going into their poo-er.
What thing? About death? Expound sister.

L- Yah, I never thought about myself as a depressive or gothy or whatnot. I mean I work, I get shit done. But I feel so tired sometimes. Tired of myself. Tired of everything. It all seems so tawdry and relentless. I spent some time today thinking about how I’d like to die, after I wrote that I concluded that I wish I could die of any old timey disease, in my bed surrounded by loved ones. I am nostalgic for how death used to happen, consumption, Bright’s disease, TB (with the glamorous medicinal cigarettes! Galloping consumption!! As far as me being scary, yeah I get that a lot. I tend to be a little unapproachable. I’m kind of okay with it though.

G- Right on, and our little life is surrounded by a sleep. So how do you sleep, and whats your bed like?

L- Queen-sized bed…to many pillows. Mismatched sheets. I sleep in the fetal position and I have to have a pillow between my knees or they bump together in a maddening way. I have one of those memory foam things, it’s pretty brilliant.

G- Do you stay like that or flip back and forth?

L- I say very still and small at night.

G- We wouldn’t be able to sleep together, by the way do you want to get married?

L- Do you mind that I’m sort of Autistic? I would be very reverent of your vinyl collection, and we could just do each others hair in lieu of sex.

G- Ha! I’m not that kind of gay, I have no collections or hair to do! Autistic how, headbanger, strange vocal stuff, or just quiet?

L- What matter of gay are you Morey? I hope you’re the snarky bitchy kind, as those are my favorite. I could probably still be very happily married to you, as long as you didn’t care if I got action on the side.
Sorry, I thought you had punk vinyl, I must’ve been projecting my wishes onto you. I do this sometimes.. So I’m guessing the last question is what kind of music do I like? The answer is anything magical. I was raised on pre-world war two blues and so for me that will always claim a major piece of my aesthetic sensibilities…but beyond that

I also love New wave, no wave, indie, punk. Pop that comes from France, and psychedelia from Brazil…I enjoy good lyrics especially. I loathe and despise bluegrass and modern country and jam bands.

G- I’m not really a gay at all and I try not to be bitchy, or gossip, it’s a negative suck on my piece of mind, speaking of which- Do you think you may have permanent seasonal affective disorder what from living in Seattle and all? Also do you ever have moments of pure joy, serenity, happiness whatever?

L- I’m sorry I said I hoped you were snarky, that was stupid. I am sad a lot because it’s like living in an Ingmar Bergman film 24 hours a day here? Maybe. But mostly I take a perverse glee in it. If I was in a relentlessly sunny place, and all the women there looked leathery and the sky was so open and wide I felt I would fall off the face of the earth…the clouds here hold me in, they’re like my blanket tent of safety. My moments of joy are always and only when I can completely forget myself. This happens when I make art, cook, or listen to some music, or read a good book or engage in a good conversation. I want it to happen more, I guess being open to it is the first step or something. Chicken soup for the android soul.

G- Yeah that’s when they occur, when the ego’s not present.
I don’t really care about politics but they might sooo?
I’m sure they also wanna know if you’ve had lesbian sex?

L- I’ve voted for Nader before. I listen to things Noam Chomsky says. Sometimes I’m pretty confused though, “still undecided”
No, I haven’t ever had lesbian sex, or even kissed a girl. I have held hands with girls, but only in a non-sexy times way.I kind of adore yang energy, I’m pretty sure I just couldn’t hang with that mess.

G- I just ate a ½ a can of cashews. Do you binge on anything? And for all the gals out there how do you stay so fit?

L- Cashews are sooooo fatty morey, gross! Half of what sized can? A bigass Costco sized can? Your poo is gonna be disguuuuusting. *barfing sound*

Yeah hmmm I really forget to eat a lot, then I get all dizzy and weird. I might have some issues about food though I love making soup. I would live off sushi. I work two jobs and walk everywhere. I have a bike, and I never ride it. I don’t know, I fidget a lot.

This is where I got reinstated as morey-

Morey-So dreams, recurring ones, had em, got em? Leave nothing out.

Kate-yes okay I had them as a child. I dreamed of my parents, (my mom and adoptive dad) turning into longhaired monsters called ‘Lobies’ and they would chase me down and viciously tickle me without mercy until I stopped being able to breathe. I also dreamed of skeletons who would rape me and being forced to eat a giant white Boa Constrictor. Later I would see some of these characters in my room even when awake, so I was too frightened to sleep. My mom decided that meant I was demonically possessed and so she performed an exorcism on me. I remember her praying over me in ‘other tongues’. I remember beginning to cry and then beginning to shriek. It came out of me in waves, like vomit. After she did that I never had those dreams again. Now I just have the normal ones about mushroom clouds and all my teeth crumbling or being made out of foam rubber.

M-Well the snake’s rather obviously sexual, so it probably means something totally non-sexual. These ‘Lobies’—or something akin to them—have never appeared in adult life?

K-not that I know of…I mean hippies are an obvious motif, but still…(I do pretty much hate hippies though),

M-I don’t like them either. As a youngster you were a member of a real cult, share what that was like with the noobies and lurkers!

K-Yeah I was. It was icky and they made me be part of them or no food.

M-Did you wear outfits, like that Smart girl?

K-Yeah I had to wear headscarves and modest dresses and/or skirts. I wasn’t allowed make-up and I wasn’t allowed to have jewelry except for a cross necklace. My dresses were homemade. Thank god I was home schooled, I would’ve been mocked back to the stone age for the get-ups I wore.

M-Did you react against these fashion restrictions when you busted loose?

K-I think it’s safe to say I did. Pic here

M-I hear you have G-Pigs, do you think they’re smart? (Cause they aren’t)

K-No I don’t think they are smart at all, and this is why I love them. They know how to beg very cutely. They hop around with glee. They purr. But often they pee on me, also poo.

M-Yeah I miss The Roman, I wish I coulda got him to sleep with me. Do you act normal out in public? What’s your every day demeanor like? I wonder, cause I think people around here would be surprised at me in the flesh.

K-Yeah, I do act normal, unless I’ve been drinking. Then I tend to start bar fights over stupid things like skull shaped lazer pointers. But yeah, I hold two jobs, I just graduated the university with a 3.93 GPA, I mean I can fake being responsible and together, just as well as the next person. Maybe even better, who knows?

M-Uh huh, I’m told I front well; all’s it really takes is a good outfit though. Got any rituals, routines? I used to do everything on the other side; I was a slave to symmetry, how about you?

K-I need more routine, I think it would help me if I did. I have things I like to do..I like the same thing for breakfast every day, the same thing for lunch too if I could have it. I wish I could wear a uniform like Chairman Mao and never have to think about what to wear again. Okay that’s a lie-I love clothes and I like dressing up. I like the rituals involved in getting ready for a night on the town…
I like the rituals involved in making coffee or cooking steak or chopping things for soup.
I like societal rituals because I like to eschew them or tweak them in little odd ways that make me laugh on the inside. Like here’s one, sometimes I pick a random phrase and just try to force it into a conversation…’pistachio nutmeats’..It takes some dexterity, I’ll have you know!

M-Eh I like that, you ever try to get them to say it?

K-No, I haven’t taken it that far. I usually only try to get myself to do things. I wonder if I could trick someone into saying ‘pistachio nutmeats. My sense is that it would be harder, and less fun. But I could be wrong.

M-I know I’d crack up if I got someone to do my bidding like that, speaking of which what do you think of humans in general, golden beings of pure light, or outdated prototypes, dinosaurs?

K-Loathe, but then that’s just an extension of my own self-loathery, I suspect. Sometimes I feel so connected to everyone..a total part of the community. But most of the time I just feel like a robot by the river.

M-I see you as a rogue type, take no prisoners, a solitary female. Am I wrong?
By the way do you have a car?

K-Yeah I am kind of aloof. I suppose that is a word that works pretty well to describe me. But then there is this other side of me that’s impossibly dorky and awkward. I pray it all amalgams into something vaguely coherent and occasionally charming.
Yeah I have a big ass American car with heated leather seats.

M-If I came up to you in the supermarket or whatever, would you dismiss me straight off, or engage in conversation?

K-I would talk to you. If you acted stupid and/or slightly retarded or crazy, your odds of getting me into a really good conversation would increase tenfold.

M-Yeah it’ll never happen anyway, cause I don’t start up conversations with strangers and besides I would recognize you. Have you ever hitchhiked? You sure can’t avoid talking to the strangers in that situation.

K-No I never did except once, and it ended in epic badness which I prefer not to delve into at this juncture.

M- I actually hitchhiked in Seattle as a young teen, I’ve been lucky.
What’s one thing a friend can do, that you will never ever forgive?

K- I can’t think of anything morey to be very honest. I mean really, I forgive everything. I don’t like being gossiped about though. So maybe that.

M- Gossip is evil. Can you imagine ever ordering someone’s death? In fact let’s say you had no choice, how would you want it done?

K- I would administer an overdose of opiates whilst tenderly cradling their heads and singing them lullabies. And this would go for everyone, even john wayne gacy.

M- Interesting. You know I’m now using this interview to find out how compatible we’d be as spouses.

K- Oh, and what are you thinking?

M- So far I’d say yes, are you messy or tidy? Examples please.

K- Very messy, but I am obedient and will clean whatever I am told to clean. I have pictoral evidence up the yin-yang. You want?

M- sure, but I’m messy too.

K- I would clean your mess. I am very good at this sort of thing. I’m just bad at cleaning when no one cares but me.

M- I am sort of a minimalist having grown up in clutter, what was your home like anyway, you weren’t always at the cult were you?

K- Did you miss the pictures of the squalor? I think they are in another thread…I can look.
M- I think I saw em, was it a trailer?

K- Yeah.

M- Good night I must go to sleep.

NEXT DAY

M- I don’t have any questions yet, I’m going for a bike ride.

K- Have a good ride.

LATER

M- I go on this bike ride in the woods and sometimes there are single women walking and I recall living in Hollywood where I’d hiking up this trail in Griffith Park and at the time this guy was beaning lone jogger girls in the head, then taking them into the woods and raping the. Do you ever have wrong thoughts, like real evil ones, and if so do you entertain them or push them away?

K- I think about self-trepanation, a disturbingly large amount.

M- Oh yeah, the guy in saw had that. What kind of movies do you like, and why?

K- I like ones that make me cry, since I hardly ever do it otherwise. I also like good psychodrama, and some zombie movies. I will add more to this list, but I am distracted @ work. Oh wait I know, I love documentaries the most of all movie forms.

M- Nanook of the North!

K- Yeah there is this one I love called ‘Hands on a Hard Body’, and It’s not porn. It’s about this annual contest to win a truck, it can go on for days. The psychological maneuvering and so-forth is staggering. There is another one I love to watch called ‘Riding the Rails’…it provides a pretty good look at life during the great depression, (which is incidentally, my favorite era in American history). There is one I like, cause it calms me down, a lot called ‘Alone in the Wilderness’ about a man called Dick Pronneke, www.aloneinthewilderness.com. He goes to Alaska to live with only hand tools. He makes a cozy home for himself and documents his entire time there. His life is so lucid and orderly every task he does to the very utmost of his abilities and then sees it through to completion. The fierceness of the Alaskan winter does not daunt him. He speaks in a calm methodical way, describing everything he is doing and seeing. It just satisfies me, to watch this movie.

M- I’ve seen a bit of hands on a truck, its like that marathon dancing in ‘They Shoot Horses Don’t They?’ I wonder if there was any bribery or sex trading during the truck thing. The wilderness one sounds relaxing. What do you do to relax? Do you get stressed and if so what calms that?

K- Yeah I get stressed a lot about 4 p.M. Every day from 4-7. Knitting helps, Agatha Christie books on tape. Hitting my head on the wall helps, sometimes I do retail therapy.
Like for instance I just bought some expensive shoes. I won’t be eating lunch out for a month now.
PIC

M- I like those. I take Prozac, you ever take anti-d’s?

K- Yup..they make it hard to feel sexy..so no like.

M- that’s one of the perks for me, oh and sorry but I gotta ask the dick size question. Does penis size matter?

K- Uh that’s such a no-win question. If you say no, then of course that’s lying and if you say yes then everyone immediately imagines throwing a fishstick into the Marianas Trench. My answer, “What is a penis?”

M- I think it’s a fungus.

K- I think it’s a vestigal tail, in the front.

M-Are you clumsy?

K- Yeah. My legs get tangled up all the time. I like to say ‘coltish’ but the truth is, I’m just plain old clumsy.

M- have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror while you were crying, to see how it looks?

K- Yeah, it always makes me cry harder, so lame.

M-ohhhhnoooo I’m so sad..I actually have a couple scars on my forehead from falling into mirrors while drunk crying. Do you practice facial expressions in the mirror to insure good photos?

K- Not really, do you?

M-no but my sister does.

K- LOL

M- I was just going back through this and realized I didn’t ask if your car had an armrest, and if so do you Detroit lean?

K- yes and yes, making the scene with a gangster lean is my raison de’ etre.

M- fantastique! I’m driving a little rice-burner, tres suckish. How important is style to you, and does it eclipse defects in others?

K- Style is your soul made manifest in some sense, and so, yes, it covers a multitude of defects. I love good style, it makes me happy.

M-Right on, it’s a way to make your inner beauty known, also we owe it to the world, and the populace, to make planet earth an aesthetically pleasing place, same reason people garden.

K- morey I couldn’t agree more. This is why I do not take umbrage when people ogle me. I feel that part of my role in the world is to be as aesthetically pleasing as possible, and I do not consider it demeaning or lessening of my humanity or femininity in any way. OH SHALLOWNESS@!!!11one!

M- Right, no one likes to have to look at crap when they leave their homes.