THE MANEATER PRINCIPLE (A cure for our current media problem)

With the sudden and tragic death of Jacko, our culture has been threatened with a new problem. This problem requires an immediate solution. Thankfully, I have that solution.

So, you're at work and you're hashing out a problem with your supervisor. This supervisor wants your input on how to handle the issue, but as you organize your thoughts, all that comes out is, "Mama say mama sah mey ma koo sa." You turn a corner in the mall and see a shriveled old twisted Skeksie of a human being right as your brain croons, I wanna rock with you (rock with you) aaaaaaaall niiiiiiiiiiight. You shudder in horror as your genitals constrict and your bowels loosen. At home, you try and prepare a nice dinner for your loved ones, but under the hypnagogic distraction of A-B-C. Eeeeeasyas 1-2-3. Imuthafuckinsay DO-RE-MI, A-B-C, 1-2-3, fuckinyouanme, girl!. So you supplicate yourself unto the Lord, begging that nobody has heard your nonconscious mutterings... but the only answer to your desperate prayers are, people always told me, be careful what you do, chah, don't go around, breakin' young girls' hearts, heeeee-eeee-e.

Now, I know you're in pain. We all are. We've been right thoroughly Jacko-ed by the mainstream corporate media tentacle rape machine and there isn't any hope in sight. Children of the MTV generation, glittery, glammy 80's pop grooves are more determinative to us than our own DNA. We can't help it. And those bastards know it.

But I've found a way out. A drug-free, violence-free method of escape. What we need to do is fight fire with fire. I have tested and perfected this method and I'm here to share it with you right now. For free. Because I love you and don't want you to be in pain any more. You're welcome.

My method is best described as The Maneater Principle. It used to be the Maneater Hypothesis, but it's just too damned effective to be called anything less than a principle at this point. It's practically The Maneater Law now, but I'm waiting for the Nobel Committee to get back to me regarding the extent of my beneficence.

Step 1 of The Maneater Principle... watch this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ap-OO0xqTe4

Step 2 of The Maneater Principle... apply it.

The application takes time and experimentation. I've found that calmly quieting the mind and meditating on the smooth saxophone over the baseline can pretty much kill any song stuck in your head. However, if it recurs, you need to vocalize. An example:

You're sorting it on out with your supervisor and you have to explain your position on things. You can't get your thoughts much past I'll be there to comfort youuuu, to build my world of dreams around yuh, I'm so glad I found yuh, bitch... The only way to interrupt this sick biofeedback loop is to DIRECTLY say to your supervisor, "I wouldn't if I were you. I know what she can do. She's deadly, man, she could really rip. Your. World. A. Part." Now, your boss will reply something along these lines: "Jesus, I have no idea what that has to do with the corrective action plan, but I gotta thank you. I had this shitty Jackson Five groove stuck in my head all morning! I'm promoting you!"

The big problem we're having, though, is the constant re-intergration of Jacko beats by way of our environment. If these songs weren't constantly used as montages for everything you see on network TV at this time, it wouldn't be as pervasive. So, what's happening is that one Jacko song is being forcibly replaced by yet another Jacko song, typically from one later in his career. You know the one. The one you hated. We all hated that one.

Simple Vipassana techniques need to be replaced by savage cries of resistance. Like a rebel yell. Let me give you an example:

You're at the grocery store, trying to keep your items all summed up in your head financially as you search for the polyurethane condoms, when all of the sudden, you lose the whole total. Horrified, you realize your budget's Rosetta stone has been replaced by no one wants to beee defeeeeated! Show them how funky, shah nah nah nah, it doesn't matter, who's wrong or right!!! Here's what you do, goddammit, you take those condoms and you throw them as hard as you fucking can and you scream louder than you've ever screamed before, "SO MANY HAVE PAID TO SEE! WHAT YOU THINK YO GETTIN FO FREE! THE WOMAN IS WILD, A SHE-CAT TAMED BY THE PURR OF A JAG-HYU-WHAHR!!!" At this point, the manager of the store is gonna comp your entire shopping spree for liberating his mind from "Shi-moan, ah!"

Now, there's really only one pitfall to this technique, but it's a pretty serious one. While Maneater can knock any androgynous 80's pop song straight out of your dome and quick, it can be a bitch to get rid of itself. Believe me; having spent days with Maneater stuck in my head, the weirdness of it all becomes palpable. People start to instinctively know something's wrong with you, like you're a psycho-killer. Quest que cest. Catholics start doing that cross thing they do when they're around you, like you're a vampire or something. Small children cry if they can't get away from you fast enough.

Basically, you need a cure for the Maneater Principle. Thankfully, I have that one, too. It doesn't have the same pitfall that Maneater has; it can leave your mind peacefully and with grace, ensuring your sanity and the stability of your social environment. It can knock even Maneater out of your basal ganglia and leave no lasting ill-effects.

I call it The Sledgehammer Hypothesis.

You know the drill, watch this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hqyc37aOqT0

Don't shortchange yourselves with Shock The Monkey, people! You have to trust me on this one! Try it and see. It bitch-slaps Maneater right out and slowly fades with a sense of dignity. I wish to God it could just replace Maneater altogether, but it lacks the kind of versatility that Maneater has to murder Jacko and that's what we need right now to survive. It's a necessary evil, people.

So, when you're surrounded by grateful post-Thriller expatriates, but can't get the smooth baseline of Hall and Oates out of your head, just remember, you could have a steam train. If you just lay down your tracks. There's no need to be a brain slave to the carrion-sucking media machine that's primed your mind for post-funk pre- R&B androgyny. We can rise above it! This can be my test. Imony! Don't allow the sanctity of your mind to be raped inside out by what amounts to a sad, sick attempt to suck what bloodless life is left from a fresh corpse! Join me in saying, "I GIT TA HAVE IT! SHED MAH SKIN! THIS IS THA NEW STUFF! I GO... DANCING IN!"

We can survive this, people! We can help our neighbors get through it, too. It's a tough time for the nation and the world, but there's a light at the end of the tunnel. You just need to take my advice, people. I just need you to try it. I need you to... show for me. And I will show for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I do mean you! Oooonly you! You've been coming through. Going to build that power build, build up that power, hey! I've been feeding the rhythm. I BEEN FEEDIN THE RYTHIM! Gonna to feel that powerpower, build in you! Come on, come on, help me do. C'monc'mon HELP ME DO! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you!!!