So I finally screwed a black person! by Tiffani K

So, I finally had sex with a black guy! I’m getting closer to total sexual liberation. Everybody knows that you can’t be a sexually liberated 21st century woman without having sex with people of other races. It’s like a rite of passage or something! It shows you’re not racist and you’re in control of your sexuality. And boy, the rumours are true — black guys have the biggest, longest, hardest teeth. He bit right through my bra! They also have white sperm! They’re so open-minded.

Many people are turned off by the idea of sleeping with anyone and everyone. They’re the same people who read the Telegraph and find sex with black people disgusting. Well, I’m not here to change anyone’s mind — I have my own life to live! I’ve Asian guys, black guys, Arab guys, white boys, hell, you name it, I’ve fucked it! Next Tuesday I have a date with an Eskimo dude, and I’m sure looking forward to all the sex we’re gonna be having. I’m not letting anyone intrude on my sex life. Society wants you to stick to one partner to preserve the status quo. Well, as a liberated young woman, I refuse to be coerced into monogamy. I’m Cleopatra. I’m Courtney Love. I’ll guzzle all your unborn children, and if your repressed grandma wants me out of the house, next time we’ll do it on her couch.

I got fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job. I was kicked out of the Warwick soccer club for joining the men’s shower and asking if they’d let me practice finding the male G-spot on them. My family disowned me after I made a pass at my sister. But do I care? Of course not. They’re all repressed. Freud, people! Other girls call me a slut, but really I’m just finding myself, and having a damn good time doing it.

If people could just accept that we’re all sexual beings and open their minds, there would be no war, no crime — just a lot of shagging on the battlefields, in prisons and on the street. I love sex! You love sex! Why must we as a society hide ourselves like this? I for one have had enough. I’m gonna screw everyone from Coventry to the woodlands of Sri Lanka. I have a dream, you see, where one day everyone will sex everyone else and instead of a million McDonalds on every street, we’ll see Ann Summers stores. Time and Newsweek and the Observer will all have page 3 models. Instead of shaking hands, we’ll blow each other. You can’t get angry at someone when you’ve tasted the fruit of their loins, you just can’t! “Good morning, I’m Martin. Here, let me blow you before we discuss the future of our respective companies.” “Oh-oh-oh-oh, thanks, Martin. I’m Tim. Let me repay the favour and then we’ll start our meeting.” Can you imagine anything more sexually awesome!

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