i have a new best friend!!

 Somebody tell me something, how is it that espresso is legal, but cocaine is not?  I just drank an iced mocha and I'm chewing my fucking FACE off!  I just cleaned my entire apartment in 5 minutes, and now I'm twitching like a CRACK FIEND!  I never drink coffee; I prefer the booze.  Is THIS what you fuckers feel like all the time?  No wonder there are so many car wrecks in this country, everyone's fucked up on weapons-grade caffeine, driving around like madcap berzerkers!  My god!  This shit is probably the cause of all the heart attacks in this country.  This experience has given me a completely new outlook on the world.  Coffee shops are LIFE-THREATENING!  All these people hopped up on serious narcotics, primed to explode...It's a wonder they haven't formed into crazed motorcycle gangs armed with shotguns and harpoons.  I can see it now, half-mad ex-business men wearing  the tattered remnants of once-proud Brooks Brothers suits, faces painted with some kind of neo-tribal war symbols.  Strapped to the back of every chopper is a dusty briefcase--leather cracking in the sun--filled to the brim with homemade explosives and ground coffee beans.  Fire-breathing women straddle monstrous two-wheeled machines, threatening mantras painted on the side with expensive nail polish.  They wield swinging chains as they ride into the blackened, smoking remnants of the Central Business District, splitting skulls and shrieking with delight.  Their maniacal laughter echoing down the empty streets, they hunt down any survivors they can find--fresh meat for the cookpots.

fuck.  i need to calm down.